Opportunity lost … but Lessons learnt

Opportunity lost … but Lessons learnt

Sep 18, 2020 | My Blog

I thought long and hard before I decided to share this experience. Ironically, I’ve recently uncovered that Integrity, Insight and Fairness are some of my most important values, the exact things that was brought into question during this incident.  I’m therefore sharing this experience with the sole intent that someone might learn from my journey. 

Sometimes lessons are learnt from the mistakes you make, sometimes it’s not your own mistakes that you learn from.

While communicating with a potential client via email things went very wrong.

I’ve truly never been so completely misunderstood while actually agreeing with a person.

I work with people from all walks of life, from various countries, cultures and languages and have in the past adapted to each one’s personal need and requirements on a one to one basis. Being asked for a quote by a person from a corporate environment I replied in a language with vocabulary that I thought would be professional and clear.

Apparently not.

 Apparently, my detailed reply was understood in a way that made the person feel as if I’m now seeing the big bucks and this made that person feel that I was taking advantage.

Many years ago, I worked with a Boss who used to say: “Assumption is the Mother of all f*%#$! Ups” This was never truer than in this situation. I assumed a professional response was what was expected. The person assumed because I gave such a response I was after a bigger contract and not prepared to understand exactly what the need was.

It took me a while to unpack all this and that in itself was a journey.

At first, I was shocked.

I couldn’t believe the violent response. I thought I must have misread the reply, so I read it again. Nope, the person definitely blew up.

Then I got scared.

 Adrenalin pumped, fight or flight mode kicked in while I was sitting safely in front of my computer. My heart pounding in my chest, palms sweating, short panic breaths. Just like when you’ve got a guest screaming at you about something that is completely out of your control.  I really don’t like that kind of conflict!

I carefully read through all the correspondence again and realised that if I’d just changed 1 sentence slightly the person would have seen without any doubt that I was actually agreeing with everything being said. 

Then I got angry. 

Having my integrity pulled into question was completely unfair – Two things that instantly make me furious. I would like to think that if I saw that a person was misunderstanding me through a clinical medium like an email, I would make personal contact to see if we could understand each other better.

Then I got sad.

We all need money and to have this blow up because of a misunderstanding nearly broke my heart.

So, here are the lessons I learnt:

  1. Listen very carefully and acknowledge what they are saying. We all want to be heard and understood.
  2. Answer questions in the simplest terms so that there cannot be confusion as to your intent. If they want more details, you can chat in person or ask specific questions.
  3. Be true to yourself. Keep your reply as professional as possible but don’t hesitate to let your personality shine through.
  4. Don’t fly off the handle unless you are very sure of the situation. Assumptions can cause so much heartache and not only for the people directly involved.
  5. In such a situation, take a step back and look honestly and objectively at your own response. If you can’t, ask someone to help do that while you work through your own emotions.
  6. Learn from your actions and their consequences. Don’t let it cripple you with doubt or a sense of incompetence in the future. Easier said than done but an important step in your own personal growth.
  7. Sometimes people might just be having a crappy day … and nothing you say or do can or will make a difference.

I lost this opportunity. But I’ve learnt and realised that these are the next steps in my journey. I’m working through being hurt, sad, cross, disappointment but it’s been a good reminder not to make assumptions…

 …and for me to be my authentic self.

Gathering your Tribe

Gathering your Tribe

Aug 20, 2020 | My Blog

How is it possible to feel alone in a group of people? How can you feel alone when you are constantly engaging with people? How can you feel alone when the world is united in a way that it has never been before? How is it that nobody is hearing your silent cries?

Over the last few months there have been many questions. Many more questions than there have been answers. Questions that nudge at you but you don’t really take the time to explore.

The time during lockdown and after has given me the space to explore some of these questions that I haven’t had the guts to do before.

Now, in the aftermath of the panic, the enduring anxiety of how to handle the devastating blows that we have been dealt again and again; with hope shattered, dangled and shattered again, I’m asking myself new questions.

Although I didn’t exactly know what the right questions were, those that I did ask led me on a journey.

Firstly, I have realised how important I am. Sounds selfish and egotistical but for the first time in my life I’ve taken (ok been forced!) to dig deeper into myself. To unpack my own reasons and values. To understand the difference between self-knowledge and self-awareness and what all of these mean for me. To really “get” myself and understand what I need.

In the beginning it was a muddle of personal and professional and I spent a lot of time trying to separate the two.  I’ve now come to realise that I can’t. My personal values, awareness and the very essence of who I am MUST be the foundation of my professional life if I want to live a life that is authentically me.

Al these have led me to ask more questions of myself, my relationships and, because it seemed the natural next step, my business.

When lockdown started my Mom stated:” Now you will see the truth about the people around you”

This turned into a truth in unexpected ways.

Acquaintances became trusted friends and helped create the safe space so desperately needed while trusted friends disappeared into their own drama.

While some have been lost to me forever through death, some have also moved further away emotionally.

People I haven’t even met in real life have taught me that I could depend on them in any crisis. 

I’ve been surprized, devastated, encouraged, heartbroken, energized, sad and truly comforted. 

I’ve learnt so much about what is important to me and why. 

I’ve learnt who I can trust and who is just there in the shadows, lurking.

For each one of us to move forward we need to learn about ourselves first and then about the people that surround us. 

3 times this week I’ve seen this quote:” If you want to go fast, go alone

If you want to go far, go together” – African Proverb

In different parts of your journey you will have different people, filling different spaces in your life.  Each one has the potential to be a part of your journey, if you take the time to listen.  Some might have powerful, life altering things to say or do, and some might just be able to give you the silence you need to hear your inner message clearly.

I’ve now had some time to work through the understanding that each relationship that I have must be reciprocal. Some of them will be deeper and some will be superficial, but either way there needs to be a balance. You need to give, and you need to take equally in each relationship and therefore you will need to be clear in your own mind as to who you want in your tribe and for why.

The one lesson that stands above all else is that you cannot travel this journey alone.

Reach out to everyone you can as each one will bring a building block. Friends, family colleagues each fill a different space. 

They each know a slightly different version of you. It is up to you to work through their input with truthfulness and honesty to help you see your path clearer.

For each one of us to move forward we need to learn about ourselves first and then about the people that surround us.

Time to take stock.

Do you have a tribe around you that will love, support, kick your butt, push or pull you when you need it?

If you don’t… ask yourself, why?

If you do…. Ask yourself…. Why?

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